pedaling and shifting to new gears on this bike called Eric...

After fours years of undergrad and a year of supplementary education with a bit freelancing, I am slowly pedaling and engraving a new path on the 23 year old "Eric Peng" bicycle. Is my bicycle properly equip with the necessary tires, brakes, frames, etc. to handle a new phase of this journey? I'll just have to see.

My first day at work was an interesting experience. I honestly did not know what to expect, but nonetheless, I definitely appreciate the opportunity to utilize my skills in a professional work place. I really enjoy the atmosphere and culture at the work place.

Definitely easier to pedal this bike with a new "work" gear installed, I definitely felt like there is a bit of burden that has been lifted. I guess once I start to pick up some speed, it's easier to get going, and I suppose I am somewhat excited to see what trail God directs me to. I know for sure, that this job opportunity was planned and timely perfectly according to God; He absolutely deserves praise for it.

Once the wheels starts to slowly spin, it gets easier to get things going, in terms of "life". I guess I am kind of excited to see where and what God will take me to. It's a great motivator, this new job, and I hope this pushes me further in other aspects of this "bike journey". Perhaps along the way, I'll pick up a new frame or wheels or something. Or perhaps riding to a new spot of this journey and taking a breath at a glorious viewpoint.

As long as Jesus is with me, I am in it for the ride.

(re)creating oneself

George Bernard Shaw once said, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I believe there some truth to that statement, but as much time that we've spent finding for ourselves, we create ourselves likewise. Through life experiences, people are given the opportunity to discover how they are hardwired individually, but at that same moment, that same opportunity gives them to ability to decide if they want to try and re-wire themselves at the cost of time, energy, and other resources..

Going back to the blog world, I feel it is appropriate to conjure up a list of resolutions to help re-create myself as I shift into a new "life stage".

Since moving back home in June to finish with community college courses in graphic design, this long stretch of time between then and now was surreal on many occasions. There are times when I felt so misplaced and out of this world. I suppose this disposition helped provide myself a good self-reflection and thus helped provided me this list of resolutions; resolutions that I will hopefully keep throughout its entirety.

First off, it has been evident to me that my faith and growth is in a plateau with a giant wall. I know there is nothing about being still in the Lord; I am all for being content in and with Him. But what really irritates me is the disconnect between my head to my heart, like a giant wall preventing my heart to get the message. In essence, I feel drone-like. There is no "stirring the heart", no passion in my faith. That is the first item on the list that I want to cross off upon its completion; to establish a connection between my head and heart in my walk with Christ.

Second item would be confidence; confidence in my own talent and skills. I know in the past I have doubted my abilities and questioned my developing skill sets. Thus, these reservations limits my potential, while at the same time, slowly deplores my own faith in myself. I resolve to instill into myself more confidence through constant practice of my own crafts and artistries. Besides mere practice, I need to push myself in areas of discomfort and challenges, testing not only my confidence, but my growth as well.

And lastly, diligence is what I want more of in my work ethic and practice. I feel there are a lot of times that I have ideas flowing in my mind, but very few that are executed. When these ideas do get executed, they are rarely ever finished. That is something that I feel has got to change. I want and need to stay persistent despite what and how I feel about the result. This is not limited to my artwork, but to my everyday life. Even if my passion or flame has started to fade, there needs to be some kind of resilience and persistence. I suppose one way to start is to write down my ideas in my sketch book, comprise an outline on how I would execute it. It's a small step, but an entryway to develop into a finished product.

I realize that all these things are in some ways related to each other and seems to be extremely hard to obtain, in some cases. I figured that I would have to really discipline myself and strive to achieve these three because I believe they will eventually trickle down and affect even though small things in my life. I think these are the most beneficial in hopes to "recreating" myself.

These are just some ramblings in my mind that I feel I should post up and hold myself accountable for. Here's to making myself into a better me.

slipping...

i wish i had more time.

or better yet...

an opportunity to open up

down here.

inspired

Simply amazed by Stina Perrson's work.

My Pursuit of Happyness or Rather...

Why does Firefox hate me so?

So my portfolio website is finally up and running. With little knowledge and skill, I was able to muster up a website. This would be the second time building a website from scratch and I still come across the same problem. Every web browser has no issues with my site, but Firefox seems to have a vendetta against me. I just don't know how to fix it. Eventually, I'll have someone take a look at it and aid me in eliminating this problem. But other than that check out my work; peep it at: www.shake-the-can.com (best view in any browser except firefox)

Graduating a quarter early, I get a jump start in my "pursuit of happyness", or practically, a job that supports myself. Like Will Smith's character, I am seeking an opportunity to "shine" my creative talents and put it to use to support myself. But man the job market is tough. Searching, ciphering, assessing, applying, waiting. This is going to be a long game of persistence. It's such a weird paradigm shift, this weird twilight zone of student/unemployed. I have never felt so stricken with anxiety and uneasiness. It's getting harder and harder for me to sleep at night; restlessness surges through my mind. With so much time in my hands, it sifts right through. It's incredibly frustrating to put in a lot of effort and time job searching and applying to waiting for a reply back from employers. It's a bit unnerving; I suppose that's what keeps me up. I just wished to be hired right now. hahaha

But I am glad that I am blessed with an internship doing graphic illustrations. I guess it keeps me busy for the most part of the day. Ugh.. hopefully a full-time job offer arises soon; the imminent future has never felt so dreary.

Well... back to the lab and work out some art stuff.

clinically unmotivated

Which aisle could I find a prescription for this symptom?

As my final quarter of my college career slowly fades, my lethargy supersedes me. Though this quarter's courses interests me dearly, there is no drive to busy myself in them. Perhaps it's the fear of the future that stricken me? Or the dwindling flame that fuels my creative blood? So many projects to get started. So many projects to work on. So many projects to finish. In this awkward transition between student to professional, the necessary workload just seems too abundant to tackle. As much as I know I should re-prioritize, I would much rather work on the less pressing and immediate issues. If deadlines were too distant, I would waste too much time on the menial and procrastinate. At this point, I do not want to make definite decisions, fearing that I would close away other options. I simply want to stop and do nothing. To simply lay away and let time go by, I am clinically unmotivated. This is my definite downfall and disease.

I guess it frustrates me even more, not knowing what I am going to do exactly for my exhibition piece for my Senior Exhibition class. As I talked with P. Chi on Saturday, it seems my artistic endeavors are stuck where my artistic philosophies are non-apparent. As much style and "talent" that I have, where is the purpose? Honestly, I have no idea what to express. What is it that I want to truly share? What experience(s) demand imagery from these crude hands? This artistic rut is only the shadow of a bigger crisis. Not only affecting academically, but indefinitely "professionally". I have no clear direction of a career path. I'm sitting in the green patch merely gazing at the map and hesitantly peering at the numerous obstacles that I have to cross. Sooner or later. I have about less than a month to get started on this exhibition piece. I checked out books and sticky-ed pages that somewhat "inspire" me, but the recurring issue is what do I want to paint on my panel. Reading through each artist's goals and motivations in their works, I envy them greatly. I covet it. I want it. I need it.

Hopefully, mine will arise soon...

christmas came early...

and i bless you all with an early christmas gift... a blog post for all you readers to read, to pass the plentiful amount of time that you all have during the holidays. i have been on a hiatus from the blogging world and i did have pressing ideas to write about, but time certainly dwindled away from my hands. the hectic preparations for the turkey bowl to crunching out final projects, time management isn't my greatest forte. but now, blessed with the abundance of free time, i've decided to take some of it and jot down simple expressions from my "deep" thinking. although, i feel this is going to be verbose, so be warned...

apparently, i'm getting this vibe of confusion and hostility on my past post of "no crazy please". first off, i understand there are moments for ladies to act up (thus the emphasis is on moments), but this whole topic of "oh is this chick really crazy or not" is not so black and white. unfortunately (well maybe not...it's debatable) watching "he's just not that into you", it furthers the argument to a certain extent. "they're like everybody else. everybody does that sometime." "the constant obsession and waiting by the phone may look or actually is crazy, but that's what all girls do." "that's how girls think." yadda yadda yadda. i dunno. the way i see it is the same way i saw it a couple months back, there are the idiosyncrasies and the craziness. nothing much changed. it just takes time to decipher between the two, for sure, because each girl is different and unique, but i just feel people tend to legitimize things and making everything okay, especially Gigi (had to wiki the movie for the names). all the female characters are irrationally ridiculous and it's sad to hear that there are ladies out in the real world that actually think like this. throughout the movie, i was quite disturbed. i can't imagined how even more disturbed if i meet someone like that... oh wait i have...

but the most pressing idea that inspired me from that movie is the motivation for a woman to want to have that special intimate relationship with a guy, the special occurring phenomenon: girls dating jerks. i feel there is a universal underlining motivation behind everyone of those "girls in a relationships with jerks", a deep root hidden yet to be exposed. well it's been dug up and here's what i see:

supposedly wired and trained since pre-school of that "oh a guy that treats you like a jerk means he actually likes you", girls take note of this and use this as an indicator. using this indicator, girls are willing to hook up with jerks because it's easier and "safer" (why take chances on a nice guy whom you don't know if he likes you because he doesn't treat you like a jerk). once in that relationship (and here's the key part), she figures now that 'cause they're in a relationship, it provides a window for to change the guy. what's a greater story than changing that jerk into the nice guy or gentleman? the girl can take in great recognition. she has become the exception, just like how justin long's character describes (but for a different purpose in this scenario). this exceptional girl has accomplished a feat that so many girls have attempted because there are so many girls in this type of relationship: "going out with the jerk"-type. just imagine the bragging rights this exceptional one has. she will forever be in the hall of fame amongst her lady-friends and their friends. she'll have her own column in cosmopolitan, giving advice to women in how to transform the jerk into a prince. it's like the female version of william shakespeare's "taming of the shrew". honestly what it comes down to, just like what justin long says later on, she (or you) is not the exception. bottom-line, it doesn't turn out that way and yet what is so ironic is that... baby girl knows the situation. she knows the odds of this type of relationship not working out and yet she still pursues it. so many times she would be like "oh yeah i know i always go for the bad guys; i'll definitely go for the nice guys this time 'cause i'm done with jerks" but whoops, the cycle continues. people would think she would be more economical and not waste the time and effort, wait and invest for a better guy, but hold up, have we forgot what's been said above? it seems like the opportunity cost is better to pursue that relationship than to not to. the bragging rights. cosmopolitan column. hall fame amongst lady-friends. the absolute possibility of that jerk of a "boyfriend" to be tamed into a gentleman. i suppose lady luck is working against those odds as she, too, is struggling in her relationship with her jerk boyfriend name reality.

so the moral of the story, guys/fellows be the jerks. screw being the nice guys. girls will always go for the jerk because it's the better choice for them. be the daddy for all the girls that have daddy issues. it's a win-win situations always.

and girls, just continuing pursuing the jerks, no point in changing what's wired since preschool. just live out those disney films and wish upon the star that your prince will come or better yet, spend your whole effort in dating the jerk and changing him, you can tame that beast, it's the most coveted award amongst your peers.

i am kidding. i wouldn't endorse this kind of conclusion. but overall, this general topic can keep tumbling down the hill and yet it's only one piece of the giant stone that is rolling down. i don't mean to sound like a hopeless romantic type of guy (gross. God forbid) but as a critique on what i observe. looking back at it, it seems more like a rant, like those cliche ones in middle/high school xanga. but whatevers, for as of now, i'll be heading to the mountains and carve my way down through the icy slopes. hope my weak knee doesn't give out.

inevitable

new blog post coming soon...

no crazy please

after watching "he loves me; he loves me not", i can easily say... crazy is no good. period. to that level of stalking and ruining a dude's life must be a total nightmare. being introduced to this movie through hanna and donna, it got me thinking of all the crazies that i know or have encountered in my college life. better yet, got me thinking of how much of a turn-off "crazy" is to me and the amount of effort i put into... "casually avoiding" them. won't lie, i think i can easily come up with names that i can count up to with one hand. craziness is definitely a big turn off. even the smallest, remote sign of it. i know there's people saying everybody has some kind of craziness in them. as one infamous question states, what if she was hot, even though she's crazy? in comparison to her hotness, how much craziness would it be okay to go out with her? introduced by "how i met your mother", there's the hot-crazy scale explained by barney:

i dunno, but for me, i wouldn't even want to be in a relationship with an extremely hot girl with a little bit of crazy. who knows when that little bit of crazy would literally bite you in the ass. it's like a living ticking time bomb. a classic example, no matter how hot angelina jolie is, she's still no good; she's crazy. who the heck kisses their sibling like that and who wears a vial of blood of their significant other around their neck? what the hell was brad pitt thinking? according to that hot-crazy scale, she fails... but back to the main point, personally, i think common issue that arises is defining what "crazy" is. i think the solution to resolve this epidemic is to determine whether her specific characteristic/traits are idiosyncratic or crazy. people misunderstands and confuses the two together, generalizing them into the category "crazy", failing to see the fine silver-lining that divides between the two. everybody has their own idiosyncrasies or weird habits. it's typically what makes everybody human and unique, thus creating the attraction. but crazy is a different story.

ugh... just thinking about crazies just gives me a slight headache. seeing how it's senior year as an undergrad, i can already foresee the panic and scramble amongst my fellow seniors. oh the infamous "senior scramble"... with that played into affect, i can put my money on people hooking up with a lot of crazies out of desperation. this shall be an interesting show to see this year.

as for me, looking for a relationship is not my biggest concern and priority. i've got a bigger fish to fry; that's graduating and finding a job to "get money get paid". the remainder of my summer is dwindling; i shall resign from the keyboard and relax before the onslaught of school starts.

the waiting game

hi. my name is eric and i'm a... mac.

hahah i guess i finally made the switch. i would have to say, i'm pretty pleased with my new machine. as of now i'm waiting to get my hands on a couple of software such as adobe creative suite cs4 and microsoft office. from there on out, i should be pretty much set for the things that i need for this thing.

it seems to me at this point of the summer, i'm playing the waiting game. i'm waiting for the softwares for my mac. i'm waiting for the callback or the email notification from the interview for the layout intern. i'm waiting to start new art projects. i'm waiting to start learning the guitar. I'm waiting to drive back up north. i'm waiting for the new school year to start. i'm waiting... i'm waiting... i'm waiting...

but it's not like i just let my time dwindle away. i've kept myself occupied... soo i've finally got busy working on my portfolio website that was supposedly "started" since may. it's going pretty slow, but thorough. been looking through tutorial websites and sample websites to get some inspirations. hopefully, i'll be finished working on this template by this weekend. hopefully, i'll put this website up by the end of this month. which reminds me, need to register the domain name and get a hosting server.

like playing with dominos, i've setted up all the necessary pieces for the rest of my summer through this waiting game. now, it just needs to start with a simple push onto one piece to get the whole thing moving. i've already pictured out the outline of the "outcome" of this waiting game that i'm playing, but it'll be something to enjoy and see it all completed once it is finished.

A Splurge into Simplicity

My summer has finally started. No more summer session classes. No more free-writes. No more artist statements. No more math homework. No more studying. No more multi-variable calculus. Nada. Summer has finally kicked into gear, and what great way to kick it off by relaxing in Vegas. Interesting enough, my summer session began with Vegas and simply ends with Vegas. Although, I wish my "winnings" would end the same way that I ended on my first trip (oh wells). It seems everything is perfectly balanced now...

With no summer school anymore, it's hard for me to change my thinking from "what I need to do" to "what I want to do". With so many ideas and plans that I want to do, I don't even know where to begin. One thing's for sure... what the hell happened to working on my portfolio website? I guess that's an item to start with for my summer. Hopefully I'll finish and post it up by the end of this month, but ideally up by end of the 2nd week of this month.

Aside from working on my website and pursuit of an internship and part-time job, I want to take this summer into simplicity. In essence, to relive it as a kid that I used to be. To relive those moments of just waking up and enjoy the atmosphere of summer. Just keeping things simple. Work on one thing at a time. Not so much worrying about what needs to be done or future events. To simply just work on art, chill out, indulge in music, refresh myself with delicious edibles. And most important of all after my recent awakening about Grace within me, to thoroughly relax and enjoy Jesus Christ. Life seems to slow down in the summer, and there's no greater opportunity than to savor it with Him. With exodus3's VBS approaching, I definitely want to see Grace work itself within me and upon the little kids.

Overall, I definitely want my last summer as an undergrad student to dive into simplicity and into sheer enjoyment.

because of Grace

I apologize for the disorganized thoughts that I have, but these thoughts inspired and instigated me to express them into words that goes the following...

This past of couple of weeks has been an awakening and, in some sense, a revelation. It's like a series of epiphanies and realizations that hit me day by day. I sat back and gazed into the mirror to reflect over my life. I know for a fact that I am different in comparison to the person who I was last year in my sophomore year in college. Heck! Even comparing myself to a couple months ago, it is significantly different to the present me.

The catalyst to the series of epiphanies and realizations started from a simple car ride with Powl. It started with a simple observation that he made. Started with a simple statement: "You look more happier than usual". The moment those words came out of his mouth, I knew I am (not was) a lot happier. And without a doubt, it is because of Grace. Ever since coming to exodus3, I have been fed with Truth and the Gospel. I have taken shelter at exodus3 to recover from the cuts and wounds from my own journey and personal pursuit. Under exodus3, I have been blessed and enjoying the simple truth of Jesus. Focusing solely on Jesus Christ has definitely gave me peace, but it was not until this past couple of weeks that I fully realized it. Because of God's Grace, I can thoroughly enjoy my relationship with God. Because of Jesus Christ, I am no longer under the bondage and condemnation of the Law. This newfound happiness that I have is because of Jesus. And because of that enjoyment, I can see how evident God is in my life. I definitely know God has directed me to exodus3 and provided me so many opportunities to learn and grow. He has provided me so many doors to take, such as being part of the worship team through learning the drums and people that I can fellowship and share the things that I learn and enjoy. It's like my eyes have been made clearer, and I can see how God has directed my life.

I noticed the small changes that took effect. One thing is for sure, I never really was into listening worship and praise music; I'm always rockin' out to old school hip hop tracks and funk wonders. But now, I listen to it all now. It was funny, Pastor Arnold would be like"whoa, this isn't your car." 'cause I'd be usually be bumpin' to some A Tribe Called Quest, but instead Starfield rings through the speakers of my car. I'm more carefree, not worried about a lot of things 'cause I know God has my back and is my never failing support. I no longer worry about "performing", in a sense of where I'm expect myself to perform in perfection. Take drumming during worship for an example, I know I mess up so many times, but it doesn't faze me. I just play, enjoy, and worship. No need to strive to perform in front of people. I'm more passionate, in a sense, and more motivated. Before, there were ideas and goals that I wanted to strive for, but motivation and the push wasn't there in me. Now, I'm more motivated to go work out (with the best of my abilities to be consistent....sometimes) and getting back into dance (after like a year hiatus). There's this desire to share, like it just naturally comes out. I spent 2 hours on the phone with my brother on Monday, basically telling him to just enjoy Jesus. It's pretty much all we need: to believe and enjoy. Everything else will just naturally flow and come out. It's soo simple. I cannot believe I overlooked the simplicity of my relationship with God: enjoy.

This has been the joy that (literally) my soul wants to proclaim. This (somewhat) brief testimony of just enjoying God and fully understanding His Grace just needed to get out of my system. To sum it up, it's absolutely insane and wonderful to feel this way because of something so simple: enjoy Jesus Christ.

Finally Getting This Started

So I finally started this blog after a couple of years of having this. Initially, I wanted to start on this earlier, but time (or in actually lack of motivation) has prevented me to do so. Starting up this blog will hopefully get my creative juices and thoughts expressed in verbal form. Originally, this blog is linked up to my portfolio website, but my portfolio website is a piece of shit (no joke). Therefore, I'll be making a v2.0 of it soon. so bear with me here. I wanted to get it done during this spring break, but I totally forgot how hard it was to start making one. Nonetheless, it'll be up soon. I feel there's a great urgency for me to rework it and put it up soon 'cause I think it'll help me "professionally" later on, but we'll see.

Will further update more later, but I feel exhausted and tired after driving back down to Irvine and unpacking everything.