As my final quarter of my college career slowly fades, my lethargy supersedes me. Though this quarter's courses interests me dearly, there is no drive to busy myself in them. Perhaps it's the fear of the future that stricken me? Or the dwindling flame that fuels my creative blood? So many projects to get started. So many projects to work on. So many projects to finish. In this awkward transition between student to professional, the necessary workload just seems too abundant to tackle. As much as I know I should re-prioritize, I would much rather work on the less pressing and immediate issues. If deadlines were too distant, I would waste too much time on the menial and procrastinate. At this point, I do not want to make definite decisions, fearing that I would close away other options. I simply want to stop and do nothing. To simply lay away and let time go by, I am clinically unmotivated. This is my definite downfall and disease.
I guess it frustrates me even more, not knowing what I am going to do exactly for my exhibition piece for my Senior Exhibition class. As I talked with P. Chi on Saturday, it seems my artistic endeavors are stuck where my artistic philosophies are non-apparent. As much style and "talent" that I have, where is the purpose? Honestly, I have no idea what to express. What is it that I want to truly share? What experience(s) demand imagery from these crude hands? This artistic rut is only the shadow of a bigger crisis. Not only affecting academically, but indefinitely "professionally". I have no clear direction of a career path. I'm sitting in the green patch merely gazing at the map and hesitantly peering at the numerous obstacles that I have to cross. Sooner or later. I have about less than a month to get started on this exhibition piece. I checked out books and sticky-ed pages that somewhat "inspire" me, but the recurring issue is what do I want to paint on my panel. Reading through each artist's goals and motivations in their works, I envy them greatly. I covet it. I want it. I need it.
Hopefully, mine will arise soon...
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